*texts bae at 3am* hey baby, according to this buzzfeed quiz you’re only 48% in love with me ????? hmm 📝
(via laughcentre)
I would devote 15 years of my life to becoming a restaurant chef, get on Chopped, ignore the basket ingredients, and make a raw red onion salad with a white truffle oil vinaigrette just so I could stare into Scott Conants eyes as he is contractually obligated to eat it
(via laughcentre)
first date ideas: show your date to everybody in town… wearing a salmon suit
(via thebootydiaries)
Me: Hey memory, what do you call the little stiff thing on the end of a shoelace?
Memory: An aglet.
Me: And how do you jumpstart a car?
Memory: Red to red, black to frame.
Me: And what’s the name of the computer game I played at a friend’s house once in 1998?
Memory: Bad Mojo.
Me: And what’s the name of this person that I’ve met several times recently and am about to socialize with?
Memory: lol idc
(via dork-larue)
um where the FUCK is hugh neutron????
He’s a DIAF (Dad I Already Fucked)
Doctor Possible started my thirst for dads
(via laughcentre)
How can ants have farms? They’re too small to control the chickens and the pigs
(via thebootydiaries)